Doubts.

Everyone has doubts at certain circumstances in their life. And yes, I'm having a big doubt in my life, right now, in between my sixteen. And this doubt started since the day I became sixteen, my birthday. So I remember that day was such an unforgettable day. Laughters, tears, and tearing of heart. It all happened on that day. The day I felt my heart got tore apart, yet I felt the loves surrounding me had healed my heart bit by bit, gently & silently.

It was the day I started to had small pimples occupying my forehead, in just a day. I thought it was just because of the tears, the emotions, which somehow led to emotion disorders. Pimples weren't a big deal, cause it will somehow gone by itself someday, as if they never even existed. That's what I thought. And I was wrong, so wrong.

The terrible nightmare of mine started since that day, the day which should be the happiest day throughout the year. But it did not. It was the starting point of my nightmare. Pimples over my forehead seem stimulated by some unknown stimulator since that day, & they never tend to rest after all. The beginning was terrifying, I started to cry and worried and can't stop looking at the mirror each day just to wish the small pimples over my forehead will disappear someday. But no, one lost and another one will definitely comes after it, relentlessly. So I tried to convince myself, at least my cheeks were pretty clean. It was just the forehead, no big deal.

And it seems like god has favour in fooling me around. Just after I started to accept the fact that I have to be bounded by the frustration in having forehead pimples and I should really get over it, the worse knocked on the door. The cheeks started to pop one or two pimples. And I didn't quite worry about it at first, just felt like my face looked more balanced with one or two pimples on the cheeks. So at least people would not just focus on my forehead whenever they looked at my face. At least there were something else to attract their attentions.

But it was another wrong wrong wrong idea. The cheek pimples started to crawl like they found their territory, just like the forehead neighbours. They officially became neighbours. And both of them are having more citizens. Yes, they take in citizens as if they have the property, as if they are the hosts, as if they are the kings. Never even bothered about me. Never even got my permission. Never even thought for me. I look deserted, abandoned, & ditched.

My feelings seem important-less to them, to god. I pleaded so many times to them, to god. I said I would do my best to live a healthy lifestyle. And I remember I did. I tried to get to bed so early, drink so much water til I had to go for toilet almost each period of lessons, and refused to eat much just because the food all seemed unhealthy. But you know, nothing changes. Oops sorry, there are huge changes. But in the worse way. They never healed like I wished. They just get more and more til I don't even own the guts to look into the mirror anymore. I feel ugly, I feel insecure, & I can't help, at all.

Can I know, what had I done? What had I done to make god feels that pissed off til he has to get me into such terrible nightmare. I really wish to know. And believe me, I will definitely try my best to change, to be forgiven. Maybe it was because of all the mocking laughs I gave to my cousin when he first got into puberty and started to pop pimples all over the face. Maybe it was the old naive me who planted the evil seeds which all bear into dreadful fruits, like now. I'm sorry, and I really hope that maybe someday, I will be able to sit down without worrying my pimples enlarged by the converging sunlight on my face & watch the beauty of rainbow with my friends. When all these end.

Depression.

Just as the title I've set for this article, it's about something recently happened to me, like about today. I've actually set a goal of finishing ten books in two weeks just to sit for my igcse course on the 17th or 18th of February, which is held on the first day of school after the Chinese New Year hols.

At first, before teacher has told me that I can start earlier with the first batch of igcse students in our school, which is the Senior One, I have already set a mind that I'm sitting for the course on April which will be the second batch. But what happened was that teacher told me I can actually catch up the last ten books in two weeks time and start with the first batch. I was extremely excited after getting to know about that news and worked really hard and put on ultra mega much of efforts on accomplishing the books. Guess what, I finished four books in four days.

That was such a tough and exhausted time for me to finish the books in such short time, but I stayed still and continued. I thought nothing can stop me, but reality seemed cruel. Today after school, principal asked me to meet her in the office. She asked me about the progress of my work at first and I thought that was something good. But what following after that was a hard knock on my skull.

I wasn't able to start the course even if I can finish the books before the dateline, since financial problem is the major problem. What she said was to help my father, the school, and myself by delaying the time to start the course. She held a big smile on her face while explaining to me how many books should I finish before the next batch, and as if it was really good and happy.

I know, money is the major problem. Even though I understand and willing to accept these, but I couldn't control the mood at all. My tears were about to flow when teacher was explaining to me, but I hold til after the conversation ended and got rid of the stupid tears in the toilet. I thought that was already enough for me to release the pain within my heart so I went down the building and sat on the staircases for about ten minutes to calm down.

After I gone out from the building, I went into the guard house and sit there, wanted to be with myself. But friends and sister came to irritate me, I showed them some black faces and ignored them. However, sister sat beside me and asked why did I look that sad. I didn't want to tell, but I told honestly and this time my tears couldn't be hold anymore, it flowed presumptuously like I've never cried for years. That was so embarrassing but the tears just couldn't stop and the pains were meant to be released......

The Beautiful "Mystery Circle" .

unknowneditors:

Introduced to life under the sea in high school through snorkeling, Yoji Ookata obtained his scuba license at the age of 21. At the same time, he went out and bought a brand new NIKONOS, a 35mm film camera specifically designed for underwater photography. He devoted all his spare time – aside from his day job – to perfecting his art of underwater photography. Then, at age 39, he finally made the transition. He quit his office job and became a freelance underwater photographer.

But even for a man who spent the last 50 years immersed in the underwater world of sea life, the ocean proved infinitely mysterious. While diving in the semi-tropical region of Amami Oshima, roughly 80 ft below sea level, Ookata spotted something he had never seen. And as it turned out, no one else had seen it before either.

On the seabed a geometric, circular structure measuring roughly 6.5 ft in diameter had been precisely carved from sand. It consisted of multiple ridges, symmetrically jutting out from the center, and appeared to be the work of an underwater artist, carefully working with tools. For its resemblance to crop circles, Ookata dubbed his new finding a “mystery circle,” and enlisted some colleagues at NHK to help him investigate. In a television episode that aired last week titled “The Discovery of a Century: Deep Sea Mystery Circle,” the television crew revealed their findings and the unknown artist was unmasked.

Underwater cameras showed that the artist was a small puffer fish who, using only his flapping fin, tirelessly worked day and night to carve the circular ridges. The unlikely artist – best known in Japan as a delicacy, albeit a potentially poisonous one – even takes small shells, cracks them, and lines the inner grooves of his sculpture as if decorating his piece. Further observation revealed that this “mysterious circle” was not just there to make the ocean floor look pretty. Attracted by the grooves and ridges, female puffer fish would find their way along the dark seabed to the male puffer fish where they would mate and lay eggs in the center of the circle. In fact, the scientists observed that the more ridges the circle contained, the more likely it was that the female would mate with the male. The little sea shells weren’t just in vain either. The observers believe that they serve as vital nutrients to the eggs as they hatch, and to the newborns.

[Click Image]

[Artist At Work]

What was fascinating was that the fish’s sculpture played another role. Through experiments back at their lab, the scientists showed that the grooves and ridges of the sculpture helped neutralize currents, protecting the eggs from being tossed around and potentially exposing them to predators.

It was a true story of love, craftsmanship and the desire to pass on descendants.

What an amazing discovery of love and instict of a puffy fish.

Source: spoon-tamago.com

So this this what I found on tumblr, it impressed me ultra much from the spot I read the story of
 these cute puffy fishes. Even a fish could try their best to accomplish a specific task without
 considering day and night, so what about us, humans? This encouraged the spirit within me to
 finish the ten transition books with even more intention! :)

Sharing means Caring.

Last day's night was a wonderful night. I spent the whole night listening to different kinds of songs which got introduced in the 'newest' category of kuwo music box. I used phone so I could listening to songs while lying on my bed comfortably. Remember I listened songs with sister beside me using her facebook or whatever with her phone too. We stayed up for the whole night til 6am & I found lots of songs which I used to love but never knew the name and some other songs which I've never heard before but extremely awesome.

So now I'm going to introduce some of them to you, I hope that you're able to feel the love in the songs just as me. No wonder toward anything or anyone, I guess love should be within the relationships, cause the greatest element to create the world is love. That's what I read from a series of books, which has three books in it. I hope you can read the books too, cause they are really good books and mom was the one who bought it for me. These three books in one series are : 1st, "Ami, Child of the Stars" 《阿米 星星的孩子》; 2nd, "Ami, The Heart of Universe" 《阿米 宇宙之心》; and 3rd, "Ami, Civilization of Love" 《阿米 爱的文明》. Actually I read from the third book then to the second and lastly only I read the first book. I know that's weird but yeah, these books are just awesome til I can read like this when I wasn't able to find the first and second book.

http://www.fosss.org/Book/Ami/Index.html <--- if you are interested, this is the website for you to read it online if you don't want to buy the books. http://www.5joys.com/cnews/2008/bet20070323165622198.htm <--- or you can download the three books from here. 

http://www.ebarrios.com/indexEn.htm <-- click the download "ami" and you are able to download the English version of Ami, Child of the Stars. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to find the English version of the other two books.

After the books, finally it's the time for songs.

So this is "My Prayer" by Devotion. This is the sweetest song I've ever heard I guess, he sang this for the girl who he knows he will be fallen in love someday and he was praying and asked his god to protect her by keeping her from the thunderstorms and keep her warm when the day is cold... isn't that sweet? I'm loving this song til the max.

"A.I.N.Y." by G.E.M. After that ultra sweet song, I'm introducing this super emo song. I know there are too much of kissing scene here, but still this song is absolutely nice though. My sister can't stop listening to it after I introduced to her. While listening to this song, guess you can feel the pain within the voice too, it's how a person feels after losing love. A failing relationship is like a nightmare, your heart was stolen and you couldn't get it back. I guess this is the point of this song.

"初恋" by 刘惜君. What a young song after that two songs. Now this is about first love of our life. Almost everybody has their first love, which you don't even want to forget. Even though the end wasn't forever, but that would take a perfect place in your heart. For me, first love was perfect, was cute & innocent. You can't stop laughing or smiling so happily when you think of it. That were the feelings we can't feel any more after getting matured and with so many problems for us to think.

"You Belong To Me" by Jason Wade. This song is simple, but I just can't stop myself to love it. I like how lovely it is even when it's really simple. 

"怎样" by 戴佩妮. I used to listen to this song almost everyday when I was really small. Everything which I thought was perfect by that time were vanished when I grow bigger and older. That time I loved this song with a very simple heart, just think that this song is very nice and the voice of the singer is so beautiful. But now, with a complicated heart. Just as the last last two phrases : 我不会原谅 我怎么原谅。

Okay, finally I've finished this long post! Feeling extremely hungry now and going to get something to eat. Hope that you'll like the books & songs which I've introduced to you. Bye loves xoxo.

Countdown.

Thought I would get a super lonely countdown by yesterday, but things turned out to be great. Me and my family reached the curve by around eleven thirty. There were super crowded, full with people who came to countdown. There we saw many people buying sprayers and accessories like hair bands with horns (devil) and mickey hair bands, so we went to get different colors of snowy sprayers and three shining-bunny-hair-bands for each three of the girls (me, my sister and dad's girlfriend).

So after buying things we joined the crowded groups and seeing people dancing enjoyably there. The band even sang gangnam style hahaaa. My family isn't the crazy-kind of people, so almost none of us joined the dance, although I was willing to but nobody accompany so yeah..... we took photos and waiting for the moment to come. I looked gross in the photos, dark & fat & short, but adorable with a bunny hair band. (y) 

Finally, the moment which all of us were waiting for has reached! After everybody counted zero, immediately I sprayed my purple sprayer to everybody around me! That was fantastic and totally fun and weird cause I got sprayed more than people got sprayed by me......I thought the snowy of mine should be purple in color, but in turned out to be in white also, that disappointed me though. After that was the most fascinating part - the fireworks. That was pretty cool even though I've watched that for billion times since I was borned. Can't you feel the united heart when everybody was watching at the same thing?

bunny me. :p

Anyway, that actually wasn't the most fascinating part. The most surprising and fascinating part was how my high heels exclaimed with us by breaking herself. Yeah, my left high heels was broke and I had to walk like a person without her left leg. I guess everybody was looking at me by that time and it was pretty cool. Nobody can get such attention by wearing a bunny hair band with a broken heels, like an injured bunny. (y) especially after we left the curve and headed to the mamak stall.

Actually this wasn't the first time I break my shoes. It happened for at least ten times I guess. My shoes would break whenever I hang out with my friends wearing pretty shoes. The pair of brown sneakers from forever 21 which I was wearing to school throughout 2012, was one of the evidence to prove my ability to break shoes. Remember I bought it at 2011's November or December. I hung out with my primary school's friends and wore a new pretty shoes which I've just bought. Look, it was totally new and it was the first time I wore it and it became the last time, either. So I bought the pair of sneakers with them and I guessed sneakers and slippers are the only two kind of shoes I wouldn't break. But this year after I started to wear high heels, I thought one more kind of shoes can be added to the "not-breaking-shoes-list" and this incident happened & totally destroyed this idea. So you better not to complain if you have chance to hang out with me and seeing me wearing a slipper, I didn't mean to.

Happy New Year ! Loves xoxo.

Okay, it's the time to end my post and wish everyone good luck on tomorrow since most of yours' schools are re-opening by tomorrow!

My Cutie Pie.

Viewed some of my old photos on facebook and saw the photos of my cutie pie - Jane. I took so many photos of her when she was still with me. She was absolutely cute until you would never stand her cuteness. She even looked like a teddy bear doll when she was still a puppy. About two or three years ago, my dad bought this little adorable puppy from his friend. I used to think dad bought her just to get my sister be happier, since our previous dog, a Schnauzer was lost and she felt extremely upset by that time. So times passed and about one month ago only I discovered the truth. Some ugly truths behind the scene. Such simple thing could be that dirty, what a life. 

Anyway, that wasn't the main point. Dad doesn't allow us to keep her anymore after mom gone. My grandma kept her and fed her these months. Me and my sister were missing her like mad, so we asked grandma to bring her to our house when they came. And guess what, she doesn't even bother to play with us anymore. I guess she got hurt, for months we didn't go to fetch her home or find her. She used to stick with me like super good friend, I really love her so much. Still remember I used to bring her to the garden and she would follow after me all the way I go......but now, it's all gone. She doesn't even lick me much like last time. This is so sad.....

Why everyone I love so much has to leave me just because of these? I know my dad loves all of us, but what he did seriously get me more sadness instead of happiness. He only knows to give us the enjoyment upon material desires, but he would never give something spiritually. Dying inside and wishes to get a little bit courage from school, can't school reopens faster? This is the only place for me to rest I guess, since it's the only place I can get rid of him and play as much as I want. 

I love my mom, my grandma, grandpa, uncles aunties cousins and my Jane but they're just leaving me, under his control. Can't he feel the broken heart within me.

当一个人固执

生活中我们会遇到很多种人，有开朗的悲观的慷慨的吝啬的小气的大方的，当然也会有固执的也就是我今天想跟大家分享的一种个性。

在这世界固执的人多的是，随时可能读这篇文章的你我都是一个固执的人。固执呢，是当我们在对自己充满百分百的信心时表现出来的性格。当你对自己毫无疑惑时，你就不会把别人的劝告听进耳里并一意跟着自己的想法去做。又或者当你非常生气时就只为了闹别扭让别人注意你或让自己心里高兴时表现出来的--叫爱面子。或许还有很多的因素会导致一个人变得固执，但我今天就只想到这两个。

当我们爱面子时表现出固执的性格以为自己会因为顾了自己的面子而感到好过，但其实不是。我们会发现当别人死命批评自己固执的性格时会觉得自己很冤枉他们不理解自己之类的而感到心里更加不好过。但自尊心太强的我们就是会继续固执下去以为别人会看到自己的厉害，到最后最不开心的还是自己。

假如大家都是我刚才提及的固执类别那就还好，因为都是自己害自己，还有得救。但是这世界上还有另外一种害人害己的固执。。。恐怖的固执。

我所谓恐怖的固执就是你自己固执自己开心不开心自己来受就算了，但还要害到别人难过。通常这种人都是属于领导层的，因为他们固执地控制他人。就比如说你的爸爸和你超级麻吉的爸爸之间有私人恩怨时他就会因为讨厌别人出于自己的私心阻止你和你的超级麻吉有任何来往。对，这就是最糟糕的事，叫恨屋及乌，非常恐怖。这恐怖的固执就喜欢剥夺别人的快乐。

所以，假如你发现你是一个固执的人，千万不要做第二种！尤其是大人们啊，做人不要这么固执这么霸道了你们的小孩会每天过在缺乏自由又难过的阴霾下的。。。

（这篇文章出于本人对自己爸爸的不满而诞生的）