Hardwork got paid.

PART I

Hey peeps! Hahhh omg it's been such a long time since I last updated my blog & starting a sentence with hey peeps! Okay, the passed year was a really busy & full-packed year & that's why I haven't updated my blog for such long time. (mhmm ok i know i don't update as well when i was free as hell) Nah, but who cares haha cause I know I have no readers left anymore :( It can be seen through the chatbox beside this blog and the amount of comments as well hmm. (there weren't any comments AT ALL) But anyway, this is just a place I want to share about my thoughts and more importantly, to save my memories. So that someday in the coming days I might be able to look through all these & at least to realise I once been through adolescence too, as the others.

So yeaph, for the passed year I've moved house once again and ended up recently staying in Muar, a small district in Johor. It was lucky that I've found a cluster school & was enrolled into it without much obstacles like how the others faced woohooo. :p okay but something sad to say that it's a girls school. Before that, I was so nervous, trembled, and scared of how would it be to be in a girls school, but it ended up so well that until now I don't feel like there's any special about a girls' school other than there are less naughty kids in the school AHAHA. Okay I basically liked it even, because I had a very terrible acne problem and scars were all over my face after I decided to go for facial under the suggestion of one of my new friend in the school. And yeah, by studying in a girls' school, I had less fear cause all I had to face were just the girls who wouldn't criticize you or mock you as mean as the outsiders said they would. Instead, I think boys would be meaner cause I've seen how Dickson they all treated the not-so-good-looking-girls. :/ And YEAH THANK GOD cause my face gets so much better now that I'm able to take selfies again. (I couldn't even take photos when my face 'got ruined' so much) But even so, it's clear to see that I have scars left on the face, and the worst part is, there's a small hole left on my right cheek which I guess might turn out to be a permanent mark on my face....I have no idea la on what should I do. :/ so maybe the best solution right now is just to ignore and gear up for my spm ahead of any other stuffs first...?

It's already been a year I study in SAB, the girls school & visibly I have improved so much since I shifted here cause by the mid-terms which had just ended by about two or three weeks ago, I've got 8A's! (including A-,A, A+) And yeaph, another B+ and another B. Okay I admit that it's still not what I expected to get, cuase I actually expected myself to get higher grade for Mandarin, like WHAT I SHOULD ACTUALLY DID. But NAH I FAILED & I WAS SHATTERING. Okay I know I'm being dramatic okay but this is the truth since I've never got a B for my Mandarin in my entire sixteen years of existence on earth! Eventhough I already knew I would get terrible marks for Mandarin since the beginning because I did the essay so badly that I thought I don't deserve a good mark anymore, but still man, it's hard to accept the fact that my mandarin marks start with a SIX which not long ago used to be EIGHT OR NINE. :'( Aghh but fine, I still have to accept the fact and try my best to do better next time okay. And yeah for another B was obviously BM hahaha since I would never get A for this killer subject... :/ yeah so I actually already felt quite happy that I got a B for it, by 60, rightly on the border hahaha I would get a C if I get one mark lesser :p but THANK GOD haha I escaped this :D so this is so much of a good news despite getting B for my Mandarin isn't it, that's why I calmed down and decided to accept my mandarin's result HAHA.

the actual result of me for this mid-terms xD

the comparison with the previous exam :p both of them are so much better than last year's. ;)

Okay I KNOW YOU SAW THAT. MY PJK....I didn't want it to be that way okay but it's memang the toughest subject for me to score high lol....I got this kind of mark since last year & nah even though it makes my result slip looks so cacat but idc la just let it be since spm doesn't even have this blek :P 

PART II

Hahah! I know this post is like...quite long. But just have patience and read til the end okay? Since I really didn't update my blog for such a long time already and I have really alot to share. And yeah I realise I got so much more annoying as days pass cause even for the school's essays I would have a lot to write, as if there are unlimited words to be said in my brain..or maybe heart? I don't know but I guess it's because I don't have a lot of people to share my feelings with anymore. o.o LOL OKAY STOP TALKING ABOUT EMO THING HAHA cause this post is actually about my hardwork got paid! I should sound happier lol. ;) there aren't much to be sad of. 

So yeahh after all the HOOKS AND CROOKS, finally my result was worth a penny cause my mom decided to bring me & my two little twin brothers to have dinner at Samp's! teehee. So Samp's is actually just a cafe in Muar which the food is quite good. Okay, not quite good, but VERY GOOD. Delicious as hell, that's my comment. The CHARCOAL BLACK PEPPER CHICKEN BURGER, CHEESY JAPANESE CURRY BAKED RICE & IC BLENDED PEANUT BUTTER BANANA were few of the best foods on earth homg. Love these food to the bits. <3 & that's why we didn't even have time to take any photos of it, cause we were just too busy eating it hahaha. :p so I actually only took a photo of myself eating the charcoal burger cause I wanted to send it to my stupid little aiwen to make her jealous haha, but obviously I failed cause all she said was the burger is as black & as fat as me lol! ughhh this girl I have no immunity against her la /.\

So it actually took quite a lot of guts for me to post this photo cause my skin became so much worse and my face got so much rounder and yeaph I don't look the same as before anymore. But anyway they said we shouldn't waste our precious time to only see flaws in ourselves because we are all God's one of a kind's creation. So yeaph, stop complaining la christy haha :p

SO DALALA! That's all for today & I hope I can still get some time to update my blog as soon as possible since I really have a lot more to share about heheh. :p Loves, Christy. <3

年少的时光

最近的天气真的热得不行，又闷又热。本来计划这假期终于有时间复习课业，却发现无情的天气酷热得一丁点功课都做不到，竟然一点课业都读不进脑。无奈，拿起了桐华的《那些回不去的时光》消磨时间，想着开学后应该也就没这个机会读课外书了。结果就像吃糖吃上了瘾，无法停下来了。一读就是到半夜，如果不是今天早上学校有额外补课，我想应该也甭想睡了吧哈哈。

结果今天下午就把整本书彻彻底底读完了。我只能说，不愧是桐华，真把故事讲真了、把人物讲活了、把青春讲透了！看完后，就算在外头游荡避暑时都忍不住发了一天呆，思绪仍环绕于故事的强烈背景色彩中。曾经我认为桐华只在古代言情中游走无敌；但读了这部桐华的现代青年小说后，惊觉在现代小说觉她也游刃有余。太令人赞叹了。

故事主要诉说着主角罗琦琦从三四岁开始到上了小学、中学到最后大学甚至工作后回首的年少时光。罗琦琦并不是美丽的公主，也不是所谓的灰姑娘，只是一位普通的青少年，或许更早熟了些。但从很多角度来看，她的心理战、心理轨迹我都觉得似曾相识。或许这就是大多数年轻人会经历的心理挣扎吧？我不知道。但我知道的是，我好像曾有不少相似的。

琪琪暗恋张骏，小学到中学，却因为自卑害怕而拒绝接近。她选择了疏远、冷漠相待。她是骄傲的，她不希望向他人展示自己脆弱的一面。而我又，何尝不是呢？呵呵。从小到大其实我也不需要如何掩饰自己，因为从小就算是挺受朋友喜爱的人儿。幼儿园和小学都是被宠着过的，无比幸福。但上中学后，好多都变了。父母分开了，我都知道。但我不能做任何事。当时家里就我一个小孩知道，哥哥妹妹弟弟都天真开心的以为自己家庭美满幸福，但我因为稍微早熟一点所以就被迫面对事实了。但毕竟我也是小孩，第一次听见的反应就是眼泪流不停、流不止。妈妈安慰我后我也没事了，也没再因此事流过眼泪。但小孩其实也有成长的一天，当他不再为伤心事而流泪，就是说他要逼着自己长大了。对，我就是这样逼自己的。我开始讨厌在家里，我讨厌看见爸爸妈妈已经离婚了却在我们面前假装是夫妻但却也经常吵架。所以我选择了宿舍，一个暂时逃避问题的地方。妈妈曾问我假如她们不吵架了我可以不要选择宿舍吗，我拒绝了。或许我也有着小小的私心希望去体验更多我所不知道的，毕竟六年级时个对成长充满憧憬的年纪。

去到宿舍，我更加必须逼着自己坚强了。晚上全部人都睡着时，我会开着mp3插进耳朵重复播放一些音乐哀伤的歌曲。不知怎的，就独自流泪。不知在为什么伤心心疼，在为父母？为自己？对逝去的美好？还是一些不想忘记却渐渐在疏远的人。我变得越来越想坚强，曾经爱哭的我已学会不再在他人面前流泪。就算要流泪，也必须把眼泪逼回眼睛里去。我不像那些已经住了宿舍一两年的学姐还在害怕黑暗，害怕晚上自己上厕所。我告诉自己，这些都没什么大不了，软弱才是最可怕的。枯燥又精彩的宿舍生活，令我的学业有了另一层的突破，自上小学后就连全级前十名都没有进过的我竟然在第一个学期考了个全级第一。真的非常惊讶，因为从来没想过要考到如此好的成绩，那时候考试肯读书也只是因为看到身边宿舍的朋友都很努力为考试温习做笔记，自己不读的话好像很懒惰很不合群，所以就读了。没想到成果如此惊人。

渐渐地，初一生活要结束了。宿舍生活很压力，由于我参加太多课外活动所以几乎每天都五点才可以放学回宿舍冲凉吃晚餐然后玩自习洗漱后就必须睡觉了，完全没什么时间，生活很是紧凑压迫。所以接近年尾时妈妈提议我回去读一间她朋友介绍的英校，说这样的话就不用住宿舍住得如此透不过气了。我刚开始很抗议，因为才刚开始和新朋友混熟了，要转校真的会很舍不得。但是之后进过仔细衡量后，发现转校的利真的多于弊。比如说，我想学英文。我一直以来都是因被小学同学感染而比较偏向西方文化的人，但自从进了独中后却发现在这里我的英文造诣完全不可能再升一层，反而可能因太少说英文了而更退步。而且那时候妈妈说这件英校不只可以留长发，穿t-shirt读书，还只有五科科目而且勤劳的话可以提早毕业。所以，很快的虚荣心胜过一切，我决定放弃独中，把光明大道照向可提早毕业的英校。

那时候妹妹比我早几个月进了那英校，所以等我进了后我都是跟妹妹跟进跟出的，我又是个慢热的人，所以进去后都静静的像个一等一乖女孩。妹妹就像是我的姐姐，她也挺喜欢，她就是这性格，从小到大都喜欢保护我，很疼我。渐渐地，我和我的邻桌熟了起来，也就是校长的女儿，比我小一年却读比我高的级别又看上去比我大。她开始发现我并不想表面上那么文静，其实熟悉后完完全全就是个精神院跑出来的疯子。她也没保留的告诉全部人。所以渐渐地，都很多人来跟我说话，我好像慢慢成了学校里的名人。大家下课放学都喜欢围到我桌子旁跟我说话，我也不知道为什么大家这么喜欢来找我说话，但却就是很开心很幸福。功课从繁忙的独中转过来变得好像什么都特容易，所以每天的生活都过得很写意。那应该就是我中学最灿烂，最无邪，最闪亮的时候吧。

也就是那段时间，遇见了我的初恋。我和罗琦琦的初恋唯一不同的就是，琪琪是暗恋了很久后才发现是互相喜欢的。而我呢，却是很多回合的转折才走到了一起然后又很多转折的分开。这芽很早就播种了，却并没很快长大化苞蕾。

在所谓我中学时期最璀璨无邪后，谁都没想过是地狱十八层的终极欲火焚身。家变了。妈妈离家出走了，爸爸疯了。爸爸没钱，欠学费了，被追学费了，没车坐了，没人载去学校了，学校威胁交学费了，没钱吃饭了，不能早毕业了，被要求退学了，要凑零角买面包了，领学习奖的资格被取消了，看着别人上台拿去自己的奖杯了，屋主锁门不给回家了，搬家了，再被赶走了，瞒着屋主偷偷住回去家了，跟爸爸闹翻了，想去打工了，再等等。。。那是什么样的生活，再回首时发现我都熬过了，一些只该在电影故事里出现的情节，怎么就像从好莱坞不小心跳错了地方跳进我生活里了呢？太戏剧化了。

而我就在那段堪称我人生中最无助的时段中伪装着，再次逼着自己坚强。但不同的是，这次已不能逃避了，而是必须面对这大家同情的眼光向他们展露自信的笑容，尔雅的风姿。必须伪装着开心，开怀的笑，淹没一切腐朽的事实。但无论我如何伪装，我也意识到我的朋友渐渐地少了，我变得越发孤单了，似乎没人能走进我的心里真正和我交流，唯独那个爱着我的男孩。就如张骏爱琪琪。那时候很多时候就和琪琪一样，拥有高傲的心态，就算受伤了也尽力假装开心，假装坚强，不愿把软弱展示给任何人看。导致最后吵架都是等对方一次又一次因喜欢而妥协的包容逞强走了下去。但我不会忘记，那段我人生中最黑暗的时光是他傻傻的陪我度过，即使多年后已不再爱对方。但，爱过，就无悔，如桐华所说。

虽然之后分开有了很多分支不快。我也以为自己会很讨厌这个人。但是我想无论多少次的循环，我应该最终的心意也是感谢他曾经陪我走过那段时间的。无论后来分开时是多么的不愉快，但都只能怪年少轻狂。但如果没了那轻狂，青春也不将变得朝气。所以，就不怪吧。以感恩的心感谢这一切曾发生过，曾在对方的青春中留过轨迹。

现在，我终于有了安定的生活。但代价却是舍弃以前的。以前的华丽，曾经的繁华无羁。虽然明白今年已是最后一年的中学生活，必须努力专注学业了。但是每当想孤注一掷不理世尘事时，却发现好难。好难放弃一切。以前的一切。每当上到社交网站，就会看见以往的好朋友都依然活得很好，依然会得空聚聚去喝茶看戏、依旧开心，虽然没了我。会失落，会想想如果这一切戏剧化的变化都没发生，我的人生又会如何？是否会更美好？是否还在无忧无虑的把课业当休闲活动？是否还天天和好朋友大咧咧的开玩笑生活着？我不想去想、我不敢去想。我怕等我一想，日月累计搭起来的城墙会再度瓦解。

没办法，我必须放弃。暂时放弃。今年是关键，决定我飞向更远更高或跘住我一生的枷锁。我的心理也许常有着和罗琦琦一样的心理斗争，但是我想原因都不一样吧。我是无法选择，我只能做得最好，才能飞得更高，才能飞向我多年来想要的方向；但罗琦琦不同，她的出发点都只是单纯的要帮小波实现梦想。但无论如何，我相信罗琦琦做到的，我也能做得到。我知道很难，但是我必须记得陈劲的那句话。等你成功抵达山顶后，会发现这一切都值得。如果放弃了第一次，以后也就会继续下去了。所以，吴紫裳。。你真的要加油！为了自己的自由，为了生命的尊严，无论如何都要孤注一掷！就因为你是吴紫裳，你没有同年龄朋友家庭随时准备的资产和金钱来支持你，所以你只能依靠自己。世上除了你，没人能依靠了。

如果我成功了，我不会忘记曾经桐华创造了个罗琦琦来造就真实世界里的我。

 

Doubts.

Everyone has doubts at certain circumstances in their life. And yes, I'm having a big doubt in my life, right now, in between my sixteen. And this doubt started since the day I became sixteen, my birthday. So I remember that day was such an unforgettable day. Laughters, tears, and tearing of heart. It all happened on that day. The day I felt my heart got tore apart, yet I felt the loves surrounding me had healed my heart bit by bit, gently & silently.

It was the day I started to had small pimples occupying my forehead, in just a day. I thought it was just because of the tears, the emotions, which somehow led to emotion disorders. Pimples weren't a big deal, cause it will somehow gone by itself someday, as if they never even existed. That's what I thought. And I was wrong, so wrong.

The terrible nightmare of mine started since that day, the day which should be the happiest day throughout the year. But it did not. It was the starting point of my nightmare. Pimples over my forehead seem stimulated by some unknown stimulator since that day, & they never tend to rest after all. The beginning was terrifying, I started to cry and worried and can't stop looking at the mirror each day just to wish the small pimples over my forehead will disappear someday. But no, one lost and another one will definitely comes after it, relentlessly. So I tried to convince myself, at least my cheeks were pretty clean. It was just the forehead, no big deal.

And it seems like god has favour in fooling me around. Just after I started to accept the fact that I have to be bounded by the frustration in having forehead pimples and I should really get over it, the worse knocked on the door. The cheeks started to pop one or two pimples. And I didn't quite worry about it at first, just felt like my face looked more balanced with one or two pimples on the cheeks. So at least people would not just focus on my forehead whenever they looked at my face. At least there were something else to attract their attentions.

But it was another wrong wrong wrong idea. The cheek pimples started to crawl like they found their territory, just like the forehead neighbours. They officially became neighbours. And both of them are having more citizens. Yes, they take in citizens as if they have the property, as if they are the hosts, as if they are the kings. Never even bothered about me. Never even got my permission. Never even thought for me. I look deserted, abandoned, & ditched.

My feelings seem important-less to them, to god. I pleaded so many times to them, to god. I said I would do my best to live a healthy lifestyle. And I remember I did. I tried to get to bed so early, drink so much water til I had to go for toilet almost each period of lessons, and refused to eat much just because the food all seemed unhealthy. But you know, nothing changes. Oops sorry, there are huge changes. But in the worse way. They never healed like I wished. They just get more and more til I don't even own the guts to look into the mirror anymore. I feel ugly, I feel insecure, & I can't help, at all.

Can I know, what had I done? What had I done to make god feels that pissed off til he has to get me into such terrible nightmare. I really wish to know. And believe me, I will definitely try my best to change, to be forgiven. Maybe it was because of all the mocking laughs I gave to my cousin when he first got into puberty and started to pop pimples all over the face. Maybe it was the old naive me who planted the evil seeds which all bear into dreadful fruits, like now. I'm sorry, and I really hope that maybe someday, I will be able to sit down without worrying my pimples enlarged by the converging sunlight on my face & watch the beauty of rainbow with my friends. When all these end.