Doubts.

Everyone has doubts at certain circumstances in their life. And yes, I'm having a big doubt in my life, right now, in between my sixteen. And this doubt started since the day I became sixteen, my birthday. So I remember that day was such an unforgettable day. Laughters, tears, and tearing of heart. It all happened on that day. The day I felt my heart got tore apart, yet I felt the loves surrounding me had healed my heart bit by bit, gently & silently.

It was the day I started to had small pimples occupying my forehead, in just a day. I thought it was just because of the tears, the emotions, which somehow led to emotion disorders. Pimples weren't a big deal, cause it will somehow gone by itself someday, as if they never even existed. That's what I thought. And I was wrong, so wrong.

The terrible nightmare of mine started since that day, the day which should be the happiest day throughout the year. But it did not. It was the starting point of my nightmare. Pimples over my forehead seem stimulated by some unknown stimulator since that day, & they never tend to rest after all. The beginning was terrifying, I started to cry and worried and can't stop looking at the mirror each day just to wish the small pimples over my forehead will disappear someday. But no, one lost and another one will definitely comes after it, relentlessly. So I tried to convince myself, at least my cheeks were pretty clean. It was just the forehead, no big deal.

And it seems like god has favour in fooling me around. Just after I started to accept the fact that I have to be bounded by the frustration in having forehead pimples and I should really get over it, the worse knocked on the door. The cheeks started to pop one or two pimples. And I didn't quite worry about it at first, just felt like my face looked more balanced with one or two pimples on the cheeks. So at least people would not just focus on my forehead whenever they looked at my face. At least there were something else to attract their attentions.

But it was another wrong wrong wrong idea. The cheek pimples started to crawl like they found their territory, just like the forehead neighbours. They officially became neighbours. And both of them are having more citizens. Yes, they take in citizens as if they have the property, as if they are the hosts, as if they are the kings. Never even bothered about me. Never even got my permission. Never even thought for me. I look deserted, abandoned, & ditched.

My feelings seem important-less to them, to god. I pleaded so many times to them, to god. I said I would do my best to live a healthy lifestyle. And I remember I did. I tried to get to bed so early, drink so much water til I had to go for toilet almost each period of lessons, and refused to eat much just because the food all seemed unhealthy. But you know, nothing changes. Oops sorry, there are huge changes. But in the worse way. They never healed like I wished. They just get more and more til I don't even own the guts to look into the mirror anymore. I feel ugly, I feel insecure, & I can't help, at all.

Can I know, what had I done? What had I done to make god feels that pissed off til he has to get me into such terrible nightmare. I really wish to know. And believe me, I will definitely try my best to change, to be forgiven. Maybe it was because of all the mocking laughs I gave to my cousin when he first got into puberty and started to pop pimples all over the face. Maybe it was the old naive me who planted the evil seeds which all bear into dreadful fruits, like now. I'm sorry, and I really hope that maybe someday, I will be able to sit down without worrying my pimples enlarged by the converging sunlight on my face & watch the beauty of rainbow with my friends. When all these end.